My Funky Funeral

Written by George Carlin after his wife died:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller
buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways,
but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have
less, we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge,
but less good judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine,
but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much and spend too recklessly,
laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry,
stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little,
watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We’ve added years to life not life to years.

We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble
crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outerspace but not inner space.

We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information,
to produce more copies than ever, but
we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character, steep profits and shallow
relationships.

These are the days of two incomes
but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills
that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and
nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you,
and a time when you can choose either to
share this insight, or to just hit delete…

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up
to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow
up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,
because that is the only treasure you can give
with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner
and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt
when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday
that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak!

And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

Charlton Heston, one of the Last Lions of Hollywood, was layed to rest on Saturday after his battle with Alzheimer’s disease.

Many famous people attended his funeral. A frail Nancy Reagan entered on the arm of Tom Selleck. After the nearly two-hour ceremony, Reagan left with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Other notables from Heston’s Hollywood history included Olivia DeHavilland, Keith Carradine, Pat Boone, Oliver Stone and Rob Reiner.

The service was described as being a beautiful affair, where many stood and honoured the memory of the great conservative and patriot.

His daughter stood and recalled her father’s love of poetry and Shakespeare.

His son described his father as being a true patriot, “I never knew a finer man, I will never know a finer man”, he said.

And finally, a bunch of apes stood and described Heston as being public enemy number one.

We all remember our beloved Jack Handy from Saturday Night Live and his hilarious Deep Thoughts. Well, Jack has moved on and his landed himself a cushy job at the New Yorker. One of his many side-splitting editorials is one about how he wants to be remembered when he dies:

How I Want To Be Remembered
by Jack Handey March 31, 2008

We are gathered here, way far in the future, for the funeral of Jack Handey, the world’s oldest man. He died suddenly in bed, according to his wife, Miss France.

No one is really sure how old Jack was, but some think he may have been born as long ago as the twentieth century. He passed away after a long, courageous battle with honky-tonkin’ and alley-cattin’.

Even though Jack was incredibly old, he was amazingly healthy right up to the end. He attributed this to performing his funny cowboy dance for friends, relatives, and people waiting for buses. All agreed it was the most hilarious thing they had ever seen, and not at all stupid or annoying.

Jack’s death has thrown the whole world into mourning, and not in a fakey, sarcastic way. He was admired by people of all ages and stripes, and by all animals, including zebras. Even monsters liked him. He had his playful side and his serious side, but ninety-nine per cent of the time he had his “normal” side.

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Here’s a cool animated short from GOOD Magazine about how the funeral industry has made a business out of ripping people off and polluting our environment!

Trekkies can now rejoice! CBS has issued a licence to a funeral products company to help STAR TREK fans be beamed into the afterlife. To date Eternal Image has developed an urn that is ” reminiscent of the 24th century styling of the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet”. They will be available in mid 2008 and will cost $799 USD. (I’m not sure what the currency exchange for Federation dollars is.) The company has also designed a casket that was inspired by the “Photon Torpedo” from STAR TREK II: The Wrath of Khan. These will be available in late 2008. No word on cost yet. Looks like fans of the hit series can now go in peace!