My Funky Funeral

Charlton Heston, one of the Last Lions of Hollywood, was layed to rest on Saturday after his battle with Alzheimer’s disease.

Many famous people attended his funeral. A frail Nancy Reagan entered on the arm of Tom Selleck. After the nearly two-hour ceremony, Reagan left with Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Other notables from Heston’s Hollywood history included Olivia DeHavilland, Keith Carradine, Pat Boone, Oliver Stone and Rob Reiner.

The service was described as being a beautiful affair, where many stood and honoured the memory of the great conservative and patriot.

His daughter stood and recalled her father’s love of poetry and Shakespeare.

His son described his father as being a true patriot, “I never knew a finer man, I will never know a finer man”, he said.

And finally, a bunch of apes stood and described Heston as being public enemy number one.

We all remember our beloved Jack Handy from Saturday Night Live and his hilarious Deep Thoughts. Well, Jack has moved on and his landed himself a cushy job at the New Yorker. One of his many side-splitting editorials is one about how he wants to be remembered when he dies:

How I Want To Be Remembered
by Jack Handey March 31, 2008

We are gathered here, way far in the future, for the funeral of Jack Handey, the world’s oldest man. He died suddenly in bed, according to his wife, Miss France.

No one is really sure how old Jack was, but some think he may have been born as long ago as the twentieth century. He passed away after a long, courageous battle with honky-tonkin’ and alley-cattin’.

Even though Jack was incredibly old, he was amazingly healthy right up to the end. He attributed this to performing his funny cowboy dance for friends, relatives, and people waiting for buses. All agreed it was the most hilarious thing they had ever seen, and not at all stupid or annoying.

Jack’s death has thrown the whole world into mourning, and not in a fakey, sarcastic way. He was admired by people of all ages and stripes, and by all animals, including zebras. Even monsters liked him. He had his playful side and his serious side, but ninety-nine per cent of the time he had his “normal” side.

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