My Funky Funeral

We all remember our beloved Jack Handy from Saturday Night Live and his hilarious Deep Thoughts. Well, Jack has moved on and his landed himself a cushy job at the New Yorker. One of his many side-splitting editorials is one about how he wants to be remembered when he dies:

How I Want To Be Remembered
by Jack Handey March 31, 2008

We are gathered here, way far in the future, for the funeral of Jack Handey, the world’s oldest man. He died suddenly in bed, according to his wife, Miss France.

No one is really sure how old Jack was, but some think he may have been born as long ago as the twentieth century. He passed away after a long, courageous battle with honky-tonkin’ and alley-cattin’.

Even though Jack was incredibly old, he was amazingly healthy right up to the end. He attributed this to performing his funny cowboy dance for friends, relatives, and people waiting for buses. All agreed it was the most hilarious thing they had ever seen, and not at all stupid or annoying.

Jack’s death has thrown the whole world into mourning, and not in a fakey, sarcastic way. He was admired by people of all ages and stripes, and by all animals, including zebras. Even monsters liked him. He had his playful side and his serious side, but ninety-nine per cent of the time he had his “normal” side.

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Here’s a cool animated short from GOOD Magazine about how the funeral industry has made a business out of ripping people off and polluting our environment!

Obituary for Mr. Common Sense
Author Unkown

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Common Sense, who has been with us for years. No one
Knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were
Long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be rememembered
as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to
come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life
isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

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The Do’s and Don’ts for attending a funeral from corsinet.com

Don’t attend funerals of people you don’t know.

Don’t try to outdo the family’s grief.

Don’t use the occasion to “schmooze”.

Don’t videotape the service.

Don’t ask for “just a peek-a-doodle” if it is a closed casket.

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Death of Doughboy
- uknown author

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillbury spokesman. The Pillsbury doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very “smart cookie,” wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

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